Behold, His Mighty Hand!

Oh joy! Oh rapture! It's Easter, and that can mean only one thing, kids:
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS!!!!!!!!!!
Too many exclamation points? Oh no. Not possible. We are talking about Cecil B. DeMille's MASTERPIECE, The Ten Commandments. Charleton Heston. Freakin' Moses! Plagues! Aimless wandering! Flaming shrubbery! And YUL BRENNER! I. Love. This. Movie.
Every year I wait for that joyful time of year when a young girl's (okay not so young...) thoughts turn to Moses and ABC throws caution and ratings to the wind to brazenly eat up four and one-half hours of airtime to bring this fine example of cinematic wonder to the masses. It's the day I pine for, and my family dreads. And to think, there was a moment this year when I feared the streak was over...I had seen absolutely zero promos for the wonder that is The Ten Commandments, and I had the sinking feeling last year that it might be the last time I could find the movie on Network TV. I mean, last year we had a "new" version, with that guy Dougray Scott (now on Desperate Housewives, kids) playing Moses. I watched it, but there was no comparison. Anyway, I figured with the new version and perhaps waning interest in the old one, I would have to break down and buy the thing on DVD. Cut to Saturday morning, April 7: I was sitting on my bed getting ready to meet my mom to do some Easter errands, watching the new Power Rangers (don't judge me, we don't have cable), and suddenly, like a ray of sunshine I heard those words: "Behold, His mighty hand!" And I whooped, whistled and sang Hallelujah!!!! And, as you might expect, my family left out a collective groan. The rest of my day was one of joy, I raced through the errands and came home to do quick haircuts and iron Easter duds, slapped some hash on a plate for dinner and retired to partake in my yearly ritual. And it did not disappoint. Remember the story? Do I care? Not really. I'm gonna go there whether you do or don't. Poor little Hebrew slave baby, packed into a basket and set adrift on the Nile to escape the death squads...but as luck would have it (or some would argue divine intervention, obviously, as the prophecies all called for a "Deliverer" to come and free the slaves...), he gets pulled from the water and is raised as the son of Pharaoh's sister.


He's now Moses, Prince of Egypt!! Yahoo!! And he gets to flirt and play with Nefertiri, who gets to marry the next Pharaoh, and egads, she's hoping for Moses, not Ramses...and Moses gets to be in charge of building the Pharaoh's big-ass city dedicated to, well, himself. Ramses is pissy and angry and jealous. Pretty much the whole time. And Moses saves old Yochabel from being crushed by the stones...and a bunch of other stuff happens, and pretty soon it's discovered that his true parentage is Hebrew.
So he gets the big toe of Pharaoh's sandal in his ass and is sent to wander the desert. And just when he is fixin' to expire, he stumbles onto a well in the land of Midian, surrounded by Jethro's seven horny daughters. Oh Hell Yessss. Eventually Moses marries Sephora, who seems to be named after a snazzy and expensive health spa...and he has to chase a sheep up the mountain (I think we've all been there, haven't we?). He finds the sheep (I think), and when he does he sees the burning bush. Instead of running away for water, or just plain running away, Moses figures out that the bush has something to say, so he listens. Good thing, too, because it turns out the bush was just the vessel for the voice of God, who tells Moses he's got some work to do. So Moses says, yep, cool, I've got your back, and heads back down the mountain, now sporting a nifty new Ogilvie home perm and a slightly dazed expression. He goes back to Pharaoh, who is now Ramses, and tells everyone that he must free the slaves or a whole ton of whoop-ass is going to come to pass. You know, rain of fire, toads, killing of the first born, yadda yadda yadda. Ramses, who happens to like himself a whole big bunch, pretty much tells Moses, "Bite me," and...yup, you guessed it. Whoop. Ass. Finally, after the last plague kills Ramses only son, he says fine, go get the funk out. So the Hebrews pack up kith and kin and head for the promised land. They get to the Red Sea and realize that Ramses has his army of dudes in chariots and skirts hot on their heels, and after some mid-level panic, Moses pretty much shuts everyone up by holding up his stick and parting the seas. The Hebrews haul ass across the sea floor, and as soon as they are out they turn to see Pharaoh's army closing in fast. But not to worry, God and Moses have them covered. WHOOSH! The waves crash back together and all the soldiers and Hebrew haters get dead. Quick. Then they wander some more. Now, I know I am minimizing a bit. OK, a lot. But you don't have four hours to read this and I don't have four to write. So relax. I'm almost done. Anyway, the people start to get uneasy again, so Moses goes for another hike. You know how kids act when Mom and Dad leave and the babysitter is kind of a wuss? Yeah, that's pretty much what happens here. Without Moses to guide them, the kids get unruly and throw a party and start hooking up with one another and making wine and building the golden calf...and we know that can't be good. While they are doing that, Moses is dodging lightning bolts on the mountain and getting yet another fabulous new hairdo while the Lord carves the commandments into stone. Once he's rinsed and combed out, Moses grabs the tablets and motors back down the mountain, where he finds debauchery, sin and general tomfoolery has overtaken the camp. So he kicks a LOT of ass, and eventually all the sinners are wiped out. Once that's over (and that took awhile, dontcha know), they pretty much fine the land of Milk and Honey, and get all excited. Yay! But...once again, Moses is the wounded one. He has to stay outside the Promised Land. God pretty much tells him he messed up too many times and well, sucks for him but good job on the rest of the gang. Sooooooo. There ya go. Moses gets to wave his big stick (out of the gutter, you), get two makeovers, but doesn't get to go to the party. Like being stood up on Prom night. AGGGGGGGHHHH. But it's sooo good. Next time it's on (or take a chance and rent it...it's not like it's a new release...), check it out. Revel in the glory that is the special effects industry in 1951. Rockin'. And please note the costumes...my personal favorite are the Clorox bottles the wardrobe department decorated the night before the shoot started to look like the royal head gear of the Pharaoh and his pals. Damn fine movie watching. Pop the corn and screen your calls. It's totally worth it.